Alright today...straight out blog moment because I'm depressed, confused and I don't really know what to do. I know I did something like this a few days ago and I'm worried that this might be a bad habit of mine in this starting school year. I don't know.
Let's start back to last last year. I met this blond girl, sitting at an Asian Table. Typical love at first sight right? Wrong. I didn't want to be the same as all the other Asian guys: desperate for some girl who was just slightly closer than porn models.
She was weird. That was my first impression of her. And it still is. She was vegetarian. She was Athiest. But she was more...Asian than I was. She obsessed over grades; that's all she talked about. While I sat awkwardly on the side of the table, not really talking, but just a weird kid. They say immaturity is all in the head, and that if you believe yourself to be an adult, you will change. Will you? I sure as hell haven't, and believe me, I've tried believing I was an adult, but I'm still the same 5th grader trapped in a high schooler's body.
Anyway she seemed interesting. She was childish, more so than me at times, tying one of her friends to a desk with fragile thread-like things (My school's health teacher was weird; he hung balls of threads from the ceiling.). She threw carrots at the cool people at my lunch table. She had some sort of attitude that pissed me off; she was always so stuck-up, always supposed to be perfect, always supposed to be right. She disgusted me. Little did I know, I was no different. The only difference was that she had a social life, whereas I, had a family of Pokemon to go home to each night.
Sophomore year passed uneventfully. I would like to say that, but that's just a lie. I did horrible things to her; "horrible" meaning I regret them now even more so than ever. I threw meat at her. I insulted her, the start of a new habit. I pretended to want to talk to her just to mess with her stuff. After all, children are children, and I was no different from anybody else. If it wasn't her, it would be somebody else. However, this year, it was her.
Junior year swung on by. That summer, I had resigned myself to be a true Christian, a real follower of Christ. I wanted to be loving and kind and strong and faithful. That at least, had been my goal.
We were in the same lunch period, and started tutor training together. I sat near her each time, trying to get close. And when tutor training was over, and we had assigned days to come in to tutor, we sat at the same lunch table. In my head I said, "Love thy neighbor, no matter how annoying she is". However, in my heart, I said "she's actually cool. And I want her all to myself."
Predictably, I had fallen for her. I was such a freaking idiot. Why did I fall for someone who just gave me pity? I hate myself immensely. I am so shallow and dumb. And that's where everything collapsed.
We were in the same AP US history class together, along with one of my four best friends. And already, I began to feel jealousy. Why did she spend time with other people? I thought. It didn't occur to me that it was to get away from me. But paranoia set in, and I was such a fool to let it stay.
I had to release stress. I abused her behind her back, insulting her without refrain, talking about her with friends. I don't know what they thought of it. I don't know what they imagined at all. But it led back to her. And she hated me.
She never showed it. And her forgiveness was so thorough that even now, my heart is hurting so badly. But it soon got worse.
I had some sort of emotional break-down. I like to pretend I was in control, but, really was I? I don't even know why I was so upset, so dark. I wasn't depressed. That's a disease. I was just really upset and I even made up a reason why.
She noticed and her kindness makes me wince even now. She was my only friend who talked to me. Or at least I considered her one. I don't know what she considered me as.
For a while, we kept our distance between each other, due to my loose mouth and idiocy. But she was always the one who apologized, even though it was all my fault. I never once said "I'm sorry" or meant it.
But my desire for her went too far. I used a poor freshman girl like a hungry pharisee. That's a story for another day, but, it hurts me, if not more, than what happened to me recently. Anyway, eventually, I did the stupidest thing I could've done. I confessed to her.
And even then she forgave me and kept her distance.
Finally summer came. I got over her, easily. Lust only lasts temporarily. But once that left, all my disgust and hate returned. And boy, did I hate her. She was putrid to me; she was too perfect and kind. It wasn't fair. She was too mature. She had changed while I hadn't. And this change made me hate her even more.
I insulted her non-stop, despite all her efforts to maintain a positive or even neutral relationship. It got to the point that she didn't even look at me in the hall. Finally, after one mean remark too many, she snapped.
Her email was long and powerful. She swore, for the first time I had ever heard her. She reminded me of all the things my childish mind had long since forgotten. She told me how disappointed she was in me, only in harsher words and a sharper tongue. And then she ended it by asking whether I was happy to finally piss her off after years and years of torture.
And without apologizing, I told her to simply, leave me alone.
She replied, mainly with words to make herself to feel better. But I said the same: leave me alone.
She doesn't hate me. Hate is a surge of passion. What she feels is much worse: absolute apathy. Whether I die or not, she doesn't care. I don't think she ever did care, but now I know this is all she ever will feel towards me. And there's nothing I can say that will make it ok, or any excuse that will justify my actions. I'm in denial right now; I'm not letting myself think about it; I know tears will come to my eyes the moment I even realize the words I am saying right now. Because of how stupid I am. Because of how weird I am. Because of how immature I am. Because just how horrible I feel for treating her like someone, but not a person.
I don't hate her anymore. And for the first time, I want to apologize for real.I want to do something drastic, but I know nothing I can do, for however long, will ever change her heart.
But this time, my apology isn't in words or actions.This is an apology by moving on. We'll never talk again; although some part of me hopes that we do, with a desire to cause her more pain, I am certain that we won't. I need to be exactly like her: warm on the outside, cold and dark on the inside. And the only way I can ever move forward is to stop regretting, and to simply forget.
After all, that's what children do, don't they?
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