Is it all God's Fault?

"Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; 
   you cannot tolerate wrongdoing. 
Why then do you tolerate the treacherous? 
   Why are you silent while the wicked 
   swallow up those more righteous than themselves? "

-Habakkuk 1:13

Only a few moments after getting deferred from college, I couldn't help but think how unfair life was. Not because I didn't make it: it was the fact that my friends made it and I hadn't. I had put the same amount of effort, done the same deeds, and even put my own spin on it—for what? Simply smacked right back down on my ass, and watching everyone else around me grin and laugh in happiness.

Unfair. At least, I was a Christian right? None of my atheist friends deserved their success. I didn’t think this, but that was exactly how I felt. And like any good, fake Christian, I turned to the Bible and read the passages where God promised fire and vengeance upon our enemies, and found that simple verse.

It was Habakkuk’s complaint. In my head, I had thought, “Perfect! Someone else with a grudge against God. Let’s see how it turns out.”

And looking at it, I knew it had to do with me. After all, wasn’t I the innocent one? I had been swallowed up by the wicked. And it was all God’s fault.

And I’m laughing now because that would make my friends the “wicked”, and not making college a horrible crime. Even I know that this is ridiculous. Unfair; yes. But, am I really one of the innocent being killed by the wicked? I’d have to be abusing power anti-psychotics for that to happen.

But it really did show me something horrible about myself. I had never noticed before that behind the jubilance and glee my friends showed, they hid their own sadness of my status. Had I ever considered what other people felt for once? Or had I simply assumed that they, like me, would be completely preoccupied with their own happiness rather than others’?

It was shocking. There was a reason they never talked about it. I, in my deluded, depressed state, had assumed that their silence was their apathy. Little did I know that their silence was one of retreat; giving me utter silence to help me heal. Even if they were atheists, they sure as hell were acting more Christianly than I ever had.

And so, looking at this passage, I need to ask, who is the wicked person swallowing up the innocent again? I seem like the part more and more. I took their kindness and responded with transparent false glee revealing a dark depression. I threw away their feelings and wanted only one thing: other people’s attention for my troubles. Did I care at all about what they felt? Of course not. And in my sheltered, Asian, high-school teenage life, I can almost think of no worse crime.

Well of course, besides stealing, murdering, lying and having fun. But that’s a story for another day. But in light of the Christmas spirit, I ask myself one simple question: why does God tolerate me?  I suppose that’s what true love really is.

Woohoo! College Results!

Yeah...right...deferred from UChicago
So much for this blog right? Sigh...

To console myself, I wrote a ton of tips, which I should really listen to myself...haha...hopefully whoever reads this enjoys it.

13 Tips on getting over loss (specifically college troubles)

1) Wanting to complain and tell other people the news is merely you trying to run away from your problems. By telling others, it becomes “not your problem anymore”. That’s denial. If you do tell other people, realize that it’s still your problem and your friends really have no obligation to listen, or pay attention. They do not share your burden with you; they may say that, but, in the end, you’re there by yourself.

2) Be sad in private. Your group of friends is not centered around you. Be happy for those who are happy. Our happiness is only important to us and us alone. If we’re sad, there’s no point in dampening the collective mood of festivity.

3)Looking for other people to be angry/sad/upset with is generally a bad idea. Not only will you feel positively worse due to collective emotions, chances are, neither one of you has figured out how to deal with the situation yet. Instead, find someone who either has moved on, or is generally happy. And ask them first to help you out. Their happiness may rub off on you, or better yet, they will help you look at the situation objectively. Either way, it’s a lot better than being miserable with the miserable.

4)Calm down. Logic doesn’t function in the emotional mind. You need to do something. Forget about it all for a moment. Your body will like change at this moment; change something minor that you do, or about yourself. This will give you more control and will give you comfort.

5)Don’t just push your emotions away though. When capable, take the time to examine them. Knowing how you work is a sense of control and this will give you comfort.

6)Don’t become all depressed because “nobody notices” or “nobody does anything”. Grow up. You’re not going to be baby-fed forever. And luckily for you, someone always notices, and nobody doing anything should be seen as them giving you space. Or they just have no clue how to deal with you. Either way, they’re helping you out. So realize that people do care for you.

7)Don’t be nihilistic. This does matter. The more nihilistic you are, the more you’ll end up lying to yourself. Its hard to be truly nihilistic and if its not in your nature to be a nihilist, don’t be. Its too big of a change to accommodate, and will create more tension than necessary. Usually, accept that you do care.

8)You are no worse than anyone else. Whoever said this was a contest? Although these are merely words, there is some application. But that’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to believe it.

9)Have hope, but be a realist. Some things are unlikely to happen. Acknowledge this, but also acknowledge the probability that it will happen. Remember probability: expected value.

10)Regret only helps to help you initially feel guilty. But after that, it’s meaningless. Remember your guilt or sorrow, and then move on. It’s only a stepping stone. Misplaced emotions are the enemy of any sort of progress.

11)Think to the future and salvage what you can. There is always something you can salvage, no matter how small.

12)“Moving on” doesn’t really have a true definition. As long as you can function properly without feeling overwhelming emotions, society defines you as having “moved on”. Which is complete bull-crap. Overwhelming emotions are easily derived from simply thinking about a specific emotion. Give time to yourself. After all, society also expects you to have “moved on” instantly. So giving yourself time is a prerogative.

13) And, learn from your loss. Life is full of “tough love”. Don’t give up on the sincerity and efficiency of humanity; these trials produce perseverance, perseverance makes character, and character generates hope.  Words are words, but reality is reality. If you don’t think these words comfort you at all, prove me wrong by genuinely acting these words out. If acting these words out doesn’t help you, then you have a full right to complain. Otherwise, nothing changes. Or worse, you have just regressed even more in immaturity.

Life takes us on its path; all we can do is keep walking and see where it takes us. Sure, we have control over whether we should step on thorns or sharp rocks, but for the most part it’ll lead us somewhere. So, breathe a bit and smile because while you're here, you might as well enjoy the ride.

Hopefully you enjoyed it! Once I get over my tear-stained pillows, I might enjoy it too. To all those who are currently experiencing loss right now, I can only hope that my words help you. Or if they don't, I thank you for taking your time in reading them.